So, yeah, the train of motivation, ambition and success that I was enjoying the ride on for NaNoWriMo seems to have dropped me off without warning at a station at the crossroads of procrastination and fail…
Ok, maybe not fail, but it feels like it. I think it’s just this time of year… cold, pretty much dark all the time. A lot of time gets wasted zoning out online for no good reason or watching endless hours of movies and television shows. I feel so unproductive lately and that in itself is kind of getting me down. It’s not so much winter depression anymore as bed is warm and cozy and I just don’t want to get out of it.
I have good intentions, and yes, maybe it’s the thought that’s meant to count, but “I thought about writing today… but watched a three hour movie instead” doesn’t get me any closer to getting my book published.
I should be proud of my word count from NaNoWriMo last month and allow myself a short break after that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m insanely proud of my 80,000 words I managed to pull in November, but right now I just feel like I’m wasting time. Procrastination is like a bottomless pit… the “Oh, just one more day of being lazy. I’ll work on that tomorrow,” quickly just becomes a daily excuse and a habit and before you know it, a month is gone and you’ve got nothing to show for it.
I still like my initial idea of an extended WriMo challenge to add an additional 50,000 words to my second novel before returning to the edit of the first. In fact, I’m in love with that idea because it’s been a long, long time (about a year) since I’ve returned to the second book, and as dark as it is, I miss it. The fact of the matter is that if I write 5,000 words a day – which is no problem on a good day of writing – I can get this done in ten days. I still have plenty of time. It’s just getting off my lazy butt and… sitting on my butt at the computer… (without the internet!) and writing. Not checking email. Or any other site. And heaven forbid I finally entered the ridiculous realm of Pinterest. Don’t get my wrong. I love the sight. So many cool things and a good place to store all the pictures on my computer. But, it’s way too easy to spend two hours on the site that you can’t get back.
I have to admit. I hate this time of year and the times like this that it leads to because it honestly makes me start to question if I’m really a writer. Writer’s write… right? So why do I have such issues with it some days? I’ve read quotes before that if you really love something you won’t make excuses not to do it… so does that mean I’m really not cut out to be an author and I’m just fooling myself? I will never let myself believe that. I have too much invested in this story. But I can’t help but step back and wonder once in awhile if I’m not pissing my life away.
Ah… the bipolar life of an artist. I really do believe that unless the people you talk to are also artists, that most don’t understand just what a blessing and a curse being an artist really is. Of course, it’s rewarding and fun, but there’s also the fact that our minds are wired so differently, leaving us on the fringes of society feeling like we just don’t fit in. And then there’s the fact that we seem to feel emotions all the more deeply, but most of us – me included – hide it away. It makes for some very messy situations at times.
I think it’s actually my over emotional mind right now that’s preventing me from getting any work done. And no, it’s not me thinking about if this novel is actually going to have any audience again or if I’m going to be able to make this all work in the end as per usual. No, instead I think that there’s a certain level of latent fear that’s preventing me from writing. I love this story, I really do, but there’s a certain level of darkness blanketing this particular novel in the series that seems to be holding me back. Of course, I’m writing a fantasy novel with the whole good vs. evil cliche background thread, but the second book has a new level of darkness that the first didn’t contain. And I hate to say it, but I don’t even think that it’s me that’s afraid to explore that darkness of the human soul, but I’m honestly afraid of how my audience is going to react to it all. I know damn well that I shouldn’t worry about that, especially at this point in time, that it’s my story, but even as a reclusive artist, there’s still that bottomline nature of wanting our artwork to be received in a positive light. Maybe I feel in a way, that the events in this novel will tarnish my reader’s view of me. *sigh*
The thing is though, that I seem to write darkness exceptionally well. I guess the thing to do right now is to just put all these thoughts aside and just write because I enjoy writing (when I’m not over-thinking it.) Words seem to take on a new fervor when you write for yourself and give up caring what others think, and honestly, I know that I’m the one holding myself back. I pretty much know this second novel from front to back. There are so many scenes that I’m dying to write… so, why haven’t I yet?
So, my self-induced challenge may seem like a lost cause at this point… but, hey, it’s time to put that negativity aside. The sun is shining and I’m alive… right? So, it’s time to do something.
Not only that, but lying in bed last night, a thought came to me, which might actually end up being a quote in one of my novels. So, I leave you with this:
~ Don’t wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow is not guaranteed ~